Keep the wind at your back and the sun on your face

There are only 15 camp days left, 3 weeks until the internship ends, 4 weeks until I’m home, 5 weeks until I’m back in Gainesville.

After having a meeting with Pastor Kopp last Tuesday I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, about who I am and who I will become. In less than an hours time he figured out that I am not only afraid of any kind of commitment but also that I don’t trust very many people to see who I really am. I thought that I had resolved a majority of these kinds of issues in the past two years but as he pointed out, there is always more work to be done. During the meeting I found myself becoming very angry at him. How dare he point out all of my major character flaws? How dare he tell me that even with all of the emotional work I’ve done I still haven’t gotten very far? How dare he judge my parents, whom he doesn’t even know? How dare he see right through me? Coming into this internship I wrote that I wanted to avoid taking the easy way out of certain situations only to realize that I take the easy way out of every situation. I have never had a best friend or a lifelong friend. All of my relationships are shallow and when we stop seeing each other regularly those relationships end. And now I fear this more than anything. The past two years in college have been so fantastic. I’ve met people that I love and that I’ve been myself around. I’ve made the best friends I’ve ever had, people that I truly miss when I’m not around them. I do not want to get to graduation and feel like I’m leaving my friends, that I have to start all over again somewhere new. I want to make friends that will last forever; I just don’t know how to do that. Probably the most frustrating thing that P Kopp said to me was that there is nothing that I can do about it. Well, he told me to pray that God puts people in my life that will be there for me. But I feel like He has. I feel that there are people that would be there for me if only I would let them in. So I guess that is what I should pray about but you know, when you feel so helpless in a situation, telling someone to pray is almost patronizing.

At this point I just want to be in Gainesville where I am happy and where life is good. I know who I am and what I should be doing. I know I shouldn’t just rest on this contentment and it is at school where the majority of the work is to be done. I want to build up the relationships I have and make them lasting. I want to learn to be there for people and to let them be there for me. I'm counting down the days...